Do I Love Them? — The Agony of Relationship OCD (ROCD)

ROCD - Relationship OCD

"Do I really love my partner, or am I just settling?" This question, which should have a simple answer, has consumed David's thoughts for months, turning what should be a joyful engagement period into a nightmare of doubt and analysis. No matter how many times his fiancée reassures him or how many reasons he lists for loving her, the doubt returns stronger than before, leaving him questioning not just his relationship, but his own sanity.

What Is ROCD?

Relationship obsessive compulsive disorder (ROCD) refers to an increasingly researched obsessional theme – romantic relationships. ROCD often involves preoccupations and doubts centered on one's feelings towards a relationship partner, the partner's feelings towards oneself, and perceived flaws or incompatibilities within the relationship.

Unlike normal relationship concerns that most people experience occasionally, ROCD is characterized by:

Intrusive and persistent doubts that occur repeatedly and cause significant distress

Compulsive behaviors aimed at reducing anxiety about the relationship

Inability to dismiss concerns despite logical evidence to the contrary

Significant interference with daily functioning and relationship satisfaction

ROCD manifests in two primary ways, as identified by research by Dr. Guy Doron and colleagues, leading researchers in ROCD:

Partner-Focused ROCD: Obsessions about the partner's perceived flaws, appearance, intelligence, or other characteristics

Relationship-Centered ROCD: Obsessions about one's own feelings, the "rightness" of the relationship, or whether the partner is "the one"

Why ROCD Feels So Devastating

ROCD attacks the very foundation of intimate relationships: trust, security, and emotional connection. The condition creates a perfect storm of psychological distress that affects both partners.

For the Person with ROCD

The emotional toll is immense. Constant doubt creates a state of chronic anxiety where every interaction becomes evidence to analyze. Simple moments of connection are overshadowed by questions: "Did I feel enough love when they kissed me?" "Why didn't I miss them more while they were away?"

This internal torture often leads to:

• Paralysis by analysis: Spending hours mentally reviewing interactions

• Guilt and shame: Feeling terrible about doubting a loving partner

• Emotional numbness: Analyzing feelings so much that natural emotions feel blocked

• Relationship anxiety: Fear that doubts mean the relationship is doomed

For the Partner

Partners of individuals with ROCD often experience their own form of confusion and pain:

• Feeling constantly tested: Sensing that every word and action is being scrutinized

• Confusion about mixed messages: Receiving love and reassurance-seeking simultaneously

• Hurt and rejection: Interpreting doubt-checking as lack of love

• Walking on eggshells: Modifying behavior to avoid triggering more doubts

How ROCD Can Damage Relationships

Research shows that ROCD symptoms have been linked with decreased relational and sexual functioning and lower mood, creating a cycle where relationship distress fuels more obsessive doubts.

Reassurance-Seeking Patterns

People with ROCD often seek constant reassurance from their partners: "Do you think we're right for each other?" "Do I seem like I love you enough?" While partners initially provide comfort, this pattern becomes exhausting and actually reinforces the OCD cycle.

Compulsive Testing and Checking

ROCD sufferers may test their feelings by:

• Imagining life without their partner to see if they feel relieved

• Comparing their partner to others to assess attraction

• Monitoring physical responses during intimacy

• Creating scenarios to "prove" their love

Emotional Withdrawal

The fear of not feeling "enough" love often leads to emotional distancing. Partners may withdraw physically and emotionally, believing they're protecting their loved one from their "inadequate" feelings.

Decision Paralysis

Major relationship decisions—moving in together, engagement, marriage—become impossible as ROCD demands certainty that doesn't exist in any relationship.

ROCD Therapy in India

Real-Life Experiences with ROCD

Sarah's Story: The Perfect Relationship That Felt Wrong

Sarah had been with her boyfriend James for three years. On paper, everything was perfect—they shared values, enjoyed each other's company, and their families loved each other. But Sarah couldn't shake the feeling that something was "off."

"I would lie awake analyzing every conversation, every touch, every moment of affection," Sarah explains. "I kept thinking, 'If this is right, why don't I feel more certain?' I spent hours Googling 'how to know if you love someone' and comparing our relationship to movies and books."

The more Sarah analyzed, the more distant she felt from James, who began to sense her withdrawal and questioned what he had done wrong.

Michael's Perspective: Loving Someone with ROCD

Michael's girlfriend Lisa had been experiencing relationship doubts for months. "She would ask me the same questions over and over: 'Do you think I love you?' 'Do we seem happy?' At first, I thought she just needed reassurance, but nothing I said seemed to help for more than a few hours."

Michael began to feel like he was constantly being evaluated and found lacking. "I started second-guessing everything I said and did. It felt like our entire relationship was on trial, and I didn't understand why."

Evidence-Based Approaches and Coping Strategies

ROCD is highly treatable with proper understanding and evidence-based interventions. The goal isn't to achieve perfect certainty about love—it's to learn to live with normal relationship uncertainty without compulsive responses.

Professional Treatment Options

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) with Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP): The gold standard treatment for ROCD involves gradually facing relationship doubts without performing compulsive behaviors.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): Combines cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and exposure therapy into a cohesive approach for ROCD, helping individuals accept uncertainty while living according to their values.

Mindfulness-Based Interventions: Teaching individuals to observe thoughts and feelings without getting entangled in their content.

Couples Therapy: When appropriate, involving both partners in treatment can help rebuild communication and trust while addressing OCD-related relationship patterns.

Immediate Coping Strategies for Individuals with ROCD

Label the Thoughts: When doubt arises, remind yourself: "This is my ROCD, not my true feelings."

Postpone Compulsions: Instead of immediately analyzing or seeking reassurance, set a specific time to "worry" about the relationship for 15 minutes, then redirect attention.

Practice Grounding: Use sensory techniques to stay present rather than getting lost in mental analysis.

Reduce Reassurance-Seeking: Gradually decrease how often you ask your partner for relationship validation.

Scheduled Worry Time: Designate specific times for relationship concerns rather than allowing them to consume your entire day.

Guidance for Partners

Use Validating Language: "I understand this is really hard for you" rather than "Stop being ridiculous."

Set Compassionate Boundaries: "I love you, and I've already answered that question today. Let's focus on something else."

Avoid Enabling: Don't participate in relationship "tests" or provide endless reassurance.

Encourage Treatment: Support your partner's journey toward professional help without ultimatums.

Practice Self-Care: Remember that your partner's ROCD isn't about you or your worth as a partner.

Joint Strategies for Couples

Create OCD-Free Zones: Designate times and spaces where relationship doubts aren't discussed.

Focus on Shared Values: Remember what brought you together beyond feelings and doubts.

Plan Meaningful Activities: Engage in shared experiences that reinforce your connection.

Practice Patience: Recovery takes time, and setbacks are normal parts of the process.

When to Seek Professional Help

Consider professional evaluation if you experience:

• Persistent relationship doubts that cause significant distress

• Inability to enjoy positive moments in your relationship

• Compulsive behaviors around checking feelings or seeking reassurance

• Significant impairment in daily functioning due to relationship concerns

• Suicidal thoughts or severe depression related to relationship doubts

• Partner expressing concern about your behavior or emotional distance

Look for mental health professionals who specialize in OCD treatment, particularly those with experience in relationship-focused obsessions. Clinical psychologists, psychiatrists, and licensed therapists with specialized training in ERP and ROCD can provide effective treatment.

For individuals seeking help in Mumbai and surrounding areas, look for providers who understand both OCD and relationship dynamics, whether through individual OCD treatment, couples therapy, or comprehensive programs.

Where to Get Help

Professional Resources

• International OCD Foundation (IOCDF): Comprehensive resources on ROCD and directories of specialized clinicians (www.iocdf.org)

• Dr. Guy Doron's Research: Leading researcher in ROCD providing important information about this subtype of OCD (www.rocd.net)

• Sheva Rajaee's "Relationship OCD": Evidence-based guide combining CBT, ACT, and exposure therapy approaches for ROCD recovery

Local Support

• Anmol Jeevan Foundation: Contact our intake team for referrals to ROCD-specialized providers in Mumbai and Maharashtra

• OCD Support Groups: Both individual and couples-focused support groups for ongoing recovery

• Couples Therapy Services: Specialized counseling for relationships affected by OCD

Online Resources

• IOCDF online support groups for individuals and families

• Self-help apps for OCD management and mindfulness practice

• Educational webinars and workshops on relationship OCD

Hope and Recovery: ROCD Is Treatable

The most important message for anyone struggling with constant relationship doubts is this: ROCD is a treatable condition, not a relationship problem. The doubt you feel isn't an accurate reflection of your love or your relationship's potential—it's a symptom of OCD that can be effectively managed.

Recovery doesn't mean never having relationship doubts again. Instead, it means learning to recognize ROCD thoughts for what they are and not allowing them to control your decisions or emotional connection with your partner.

Thousands of individuals with ROCD have learned to build strong, secure relationships while managing their condition. They've discovered that love isn't a constant feeling to be monitored but a choice and commitment that transcends momentary doubts.

Whether you're at the beginning of understanding your ROCD symptoms or you've been struggling for years, professional help can make a profound difference. The obsessive doubts that feel so real and urgent are actually just mental noise—they don't reflect the truth about your feelings or your relationship's worth.

With proper treatment, support, and understanding, you can learn to trust your choices, enjoy your relationship, and build the intimate connection you deserve. ROCD may create doubt, but recovery creates clarity, peace, and genuine intimacy.

References

1. Doron, G., Derby, D., Szepsenwol, O., Nahaloni, E., & Moulding, R. (2016). Relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder: Interference, symptoms, and maladaptive beliefs. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 7(58).

2. International OCD Foundation. (2024). Relationship OCD Resources and Information. Retrieved from https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/relationship-ocd/

3. Rajaee, S. (2021). Relationship OCD: A CBT-Based Guide to Move Beyond Obsessive Doubt, Anxiety, and Fear of Commitment in Romantic Relationships. New Harbinger Publications.

4. Doron, G. (2024). The Relationship OCD Research Unit. Retrieved from https://rocd.net/the-rocd-research-unit/

If you're struggling with relationship doubts that feel overwhelming or all-consuming, reach out to Anmol Jeevan Foundation today. We can help connect you with specialized ROCD treatment providers who understand this condition and can guide you toward the peace and security you deserve in your relationships.

You are not alone, recovery is possible, and love—real, lasting love—can flourish beyond the shadow of OCD.